jacob jonas
everything that came up during our meditation around disposability, containerization, and holding ...
i felt myself giving weight to the earth and wondering how often it is that i let myself be held by someone. the guilt i feel about my own weight & burden. my partner lay on top of me & we breathed together for a while. i had told her “i can be the base.” because that’s what i’m comfortable being. something of a base, something of a hollow container. but i wonder if she felt my flesh.
laying down i was feeling the earth and the land all the way back up at bellweather, and gratitude for the ways that it holds me, maybe this seeking that i’ve been doing, these questions of home & ancestry & land (where is the place that we land, safely?) are really about being held. that there is something inside of me that needs to be put down. placed into cupped hands. where is that place? who is that place? everything i was feeling this summer about mothering, where is the lap that can hold my head, finally, where is the bed for me (for us) to lay down?